nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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