he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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