so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
