I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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