I swear she didn't look like that last week.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
