i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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