he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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