nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
