dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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