guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
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And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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