But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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