She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
