Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
