Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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