Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
