i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
