you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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