I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
