he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
