tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
