You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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