I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful