Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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