Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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