If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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