is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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