if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
