In the future we'll all be gay
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
