I hate all girls vehemently.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
where are my pants?
in the oven.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
