I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
