At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
