You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you had me at cake vodka
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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