cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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