i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
