1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
