he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
