I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
