New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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