i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
