Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
