I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
