Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
