I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
