i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
