I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
ttyl tear gas
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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