Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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