I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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