I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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