I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
