I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
