Your face is a jimmy john
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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