Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
