I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
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We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
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If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?