She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class