I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I puked a lego.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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