i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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