so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
