better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
