Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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