he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
