Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
