these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Someone shattered a urinal.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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